Sunday, 28 January 2018

The Daily Farkin' News

...and now, over to our not-popular music correspondent, Felicity Hairshirt. What have you for us today, Felicitititititity?

You really must sort that stammer out, Bob, here, have a banana daiquiri...

First up tonight from the prog puddle is news that Big Big Train's much talked about "new direction" is indeed an Earth Wind & Fire styled disco album, as I predicted in my end-of-year blog, to be recorded under the pseudonym Big Mo-reece. Turns out it was the real reason Andy Poole left, as he can't dance, unlike David Longdon, who can now indulge his Maurice White obsession to the max. You should hear Greg Spawton's fretless slap bass, in 13/8!!!


David Longdon
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Moving swiftly on, changes of direction seem to be this year's thing, with shocking revelations that prog luvvies The Gift's new album is to be much rockier and more rifftastic than anything they've done before. The new sound is shrouded in secrecy, but I spotted singist Michael Mortone (dig the new "metal" name, Mikey! I know I wasn't supposed to tell anyone, but hey, wotcha gonna do?) leaving a rehearsal studio gasping and clutching at his throat after a marathon session learning how to "Cookie Monster", followed by a grinning Mikael Akerfeldt. Whodathunkit??!

When asked to comment, he couldn't, above an unintelligible hoarse whisper, but Akerfeldt chipped in with "The jackets have to go, and he'll be needing some tatts, but for now the spiky gauntlets will do".

Michael Mortone
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As we all know, everyone in Scandinavia is or has been in a band at some point in their enviously contented lives. Some of them were or indeed, are in a bunch of prog noodlers called The Flower Kings. The band have stunned their fans with news that their latest album will contain 15 three-minute songs, each with a beginning, middle, and...wait for it...an end! Guitar wizard Roine Stolt describes this as their "We Can't Dance period".
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Speaking of bands who wish it were 1973ish and sound like Fragile By The Pound...on second thoughts, I can't be arsed.
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Back to Blighty with the not entirely unexpected news that Bad Elephant "musician" Tom Slatter was arrested yesterday on suspicion of the murder of label PR bloke, the exiled Yorkie James Turner, after the latter's body was found up a tree in Bristol with the Oxford Book Of Puns protruding from an orifice it is not polite to mention before the watershed. As he was led away in manacles, Slatter mumbled something approximating "I'm normally a pacifisht, but Turner's constant punning pushed me off the scale, I was so tench, and  AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH...."

When asked to comment, Bad Elephant supremo,The Enforcer, aka Dave "Knuckles" Elliott, aka (that's enuff akas - Ed) would only say "I expect the new album by Wednesday, or I'll kidnap his collection of ocelots and curry 'em up for dinner, one by one."
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And finally, one I'm sure you've heard, as this man has something called "a profile", a thing hitherto unheard of in these murky waters...Steven Wilson, a lifelong Catholic, was canonised yesterday by Pope Francis, becoming only the second rock musician to walk the Earth as a living saint, after Val Doonican.

Rumours that Frankie wants him to do a 10-CD/Blu-ray concept album based on the New Testament, in 7.1 felatio sound and vision, are unfounded.
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And now, it's time for the weather, with Snarky McPhistle & Doug The Dog...

2 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Entirely in the spirit of his Farcebook fan page, I think you'll find. Now leave me alone, I have some bats to stuff.

      Delete

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