A collection of misfits and awkwardness...

Permanently snowed under with review downloads, sometimes you need a good virtual enema to clear out the crap...so here's a collection of shorties. some by guest reviewers:

Dr Watson's Sphincter Assignment - Blessed Are The Proctologists

Based in a hut halfway up Mt Snowdon, these Welsh sheep worriers occasionally come down the mountain to gather in a studio to make incomprehensible noise with acoustic instruments, including the Swansea Nose Flute, the aluminium beat box (otherwise known as "a bucket"), primal shouting, banjos and an acoustic guitar with an action that would snap the fingers of lesser men. One track consists of singist Dai Ovine-Evans-Williams screaming "Arse!" in five different local dialects over guest Steve Hackett's coruscating solo, on a loop. Matt Stevens was never like this.

Roger McNasty


Blinkywinky Possibility - Me, A Flower

Blinkywinky was once known as Susan Chives, which apparently was her real name until she changed it by deed poll in 1998 following a life-changing acid trip at the Wellingborough Swirly Festival. She makes fetching acoustic dreamscapes and warbles like a shy wombat. Quite luvvly, and only slightly ruined by Steve Hackett's incongruous solo on the otherwise wisp-like I Dream of Clouds.

Pete Spiggot-Duffy


Galadriel's Pet Dragon - Spank The Magic Keyboard

The title being the only thing about it that grabs your attention, this is the kind of thing that makes mainstream music fans point and larf at prawg. This retrograde inspiration-free endless wibble is about as progressive as 45's cabinet, and almost as ugly.

On one track, the seemingly interminable but "only" half-hour long Breakfast For Gollum, guitarist Mark Mywurdz gets to shred with all the subtlety of of a raging yeast infection, and is about as irritating. When this guy gets going your pet cat will leap from your lap and fly out the room like you just screamed the "vet" word at it. Sadly, one soon finds out that he also knows how to down-tune his guitar, which is unfortunate as it results in endless recycling of those minor key low-end chords that appear on nearly every prog metal album from here to the gates of Mordor.

Buy this if you are a total moron who thinks that prog = progressive. Kanye West is more progressive than this backward looking festival of ego-wankery.

Sally Weaselface


Crazed Sex Muvva - Helmet Cheese

The Muvva return with their trademark incendiary blasts of bestial noise on their new Helmet Cheese EP. This thing will push your eyeballs way back in your head, and while you are blind with ecstasy. kick you so hard in the nads you won't be able to breathe until it's all over. "But...what's the music like?" I hear you ask. I have abso-fkn-lutley no idea.

Roger McNasty


Brian's Goat-Starting Handle - In Praise of Leaning

This is music for the knees. If you can force yourself to sit through its forty eight minutes of ultra-complex lunacy and over-clever machinations, so obviously praying at the altar of the mighty Cow, you will find your patellas will be on the wrong side of legs. Steve Hackett is on this somehere, but you wouldn't know. Rumour has it that he was completely flummoxed by the arrangements and couldn't work out where to fit his solo in.

Fun, but only for masochists.

Sheila Fossil


Crucifix Symphony - Oil The Hinges Of The Gates Of Hell

I mean, just what is the point of prog metal like this? Trying to find originality in this over-populated sewage swamp of a sub-genre is about as easy as finding a social conscience in the Tory Party. Those riffs! Those indecipherable but no doubt puerile lyrics! That hair! Those tattoos! Black...it's all going black...bblllaaacck....nurse, the green pills...mother, o mother....

Either this lot are masters of irony or completely lack any self-awareness. Only buy this if you are deaf.

Roger McNasty


Genesis - Invisible Touch

Waddya mean, this actually exists? (Ed's note - Steve Hackett isn't on this one)

Lester Bangs